I’ve started cutting my own hair since its so short, and it means I don’t have to go to the hairdresser which stresses me out. I cut my hair yesterday, using my dad’s beard trimmer (not ideal) to do the back and sides and scissors to take an inch or two off the top.
I hadn’t cut my hair in probably about two months so there was a fair amount to take off. It had been starting to bug me in the way that it was getting harder to keep in place, and strange partings were starting to form under hats.
So yesterday I stood in my boxers in my bathroom, ready to attack the mop. I started with scissors to make it easier on the beard trimmer, which although is wide really struggled (sorry dad, but you agreed!). Then the shorter hairs started to rain down on my shoulders.I ended up with it landing so it was sticking to my shoulders and chest with an almost happy trail forming as some managed to reach my stomach. Leaning my head forward to do the back made some of the chest hairs stick to my chin.
It was strange, looking at my reflection. Seeing my body with hair on it made peace with something that I didn’t realise was at war within me- it felt natural and it made sense, instead of feeling like something was off like when I normally see myself.
I finished cutting my hair, pleased with the end result until I remembered that the people at work are going to see it. I feel like it makes me look more masculine now my curls aren’t gently framing my face and are instead shorter and resting on my forehead. I think a lot of my anxiety comes from my previous job where after I cut my hair my boss commented on how it was a ‘boys haircut’ and made me feel bad about it.
Other than that my main issue is how young it makes me look. I look like a prepubescent boy (curse this baby face!) unless I put on a beanie, in which case I look slightly older. I didn’t get ID’d for the first time last night when I was wearing my beanie which I’m glad about- I only wore it to hide the severeness of my haircut as that makes it easier to look like a girl and I wanted to avoid the conversation of ‘that doesn’t look like you’ but as my cousin and sister pointed out later it does well to make me look more my age too.
Its amazing how much your hair can affect your perception of yourself. I love these moments of gender euphoria that I get when I do little things like cut my hair. It makes me more certain that I’m not just faking, which is something I worry about a lot. Yesterday I cut my hair. Today I woke up and I feel real.