Re-reading my past posts is something that I don’t normally do but I wanted to write this and thought it would be interesting to see how much my outlook has changed since I posted this just under 3 months ago.
I honestly didn’t think that I had had much of a change of perspective, but I guess it happened gradually so I didn’t notice it. Looking back at the post, I think it was written from a place of fear- I was just starting to question my gender and that was pretty scary.
Parts of what I wrote are still true- I still don’t notice or think about my chest too much because its easy to hide, and imagining a masculine chest does feel more natural to me. But I think that there’s been a subtle shift in this too. Whereas before it was more of it being hard to understand the (generalised) feminine wish to have bigger breasts, now its more struggling to understand why anybody would want them at all.
Other parts of what I wrote have completely changed, for example being mistaken for male is something I aim for when out in public now. It’s strange how time shifts our perspective and we slowly change without even realising until we look back at how we used to be.
On Wednesday I wore a shirt and tie to a party and felt way more comfortable than I do usually when I’m wearing a dress. Yesterday the binder that I ordered from GC2b arrived so for the event I went to last night I wore it. It was mind-blowing the difference it made, I had pretty much no anxiety at all (unusual for me in social settings) and didn’t spend the evening constantly checking myself on how I looked. The amount of confidence it gave me combined with the comfort of it was amazing, and I’ll probably write a review soon. I’m still slightly worried, as I said in my original post on binding, that it might become a kind of crutch whenever I leave the house. I don’t want to become completely reliant on it, but seeing as I’m able to ignore the general area if I wear the right clothes I’m not too worried about that at the moment.
Overall: I have a binder now which is exciting rather than scary, and my gender identity has changed more than I thought it had since I’ve had this blog- I’m definitely leaning more towards transmasculine than I was a couple of months ago.