If I see myself in a mirror, I act in a more masculine way. The way I stand, move and talk all changes. It’s not a conscious decision, just something that I’ve noticed that happens. It’s something I’ve sort of registered over the last couple of months, but it only really clicked a couple of nights ago when I was on Skype with my mum. I automatically adopted a more masculine posture and gestures, made my voice more gravelly and spoke slower. I only changed because I could see myself, I was more aware of how I look and move and act.
I’ve previously been putting this down to wanting to present in the way that I feel I should- I haven’t been raised in a masculine way, so if I’m feeling masculine maybe I only notice how my presentation and identity don’t match when I can see myself. This got me wondering, is it something that happens because my attention is drawn to it, or something that’s happening because I can see myself and want to act like a man ‘just to see what it would be like’?
Change also happens if I feel like attention is being drawn to me, for example if I’m waiting somewhere in public, or about to talk to a cashier. At these points where I feel like people might be paying more attention to me than normal I get more masculine. But why? Do I do this because I want to be seen this way? Is it for confidence?
I hate looking at pictures of me with hair. I have long hair on my ID, it feels fake. I get embarrassed about handing it over because it feels like a part of me that nobody should see, like its a secret I want to keep hidden. Seeing strangers in the street, or pictures in the media, I compare myself to the masculine people I see. I don’t relate to the feminine ones at all. But I don’t feel male. Or do I?