Something that I’ve been thinking a lot about recently is my family and how they may react if I came out. Also I’ve been thinking about jobs- my current contract runs out soon and I’m going to have to find something else. It’s got me thinking that I’d probably actually prefer to be passing as male before using male pronouns, at least to strangers. I feel like my family would take me more seriously too. In addition, I got emailed a link to a guide to sexual reassignment surgery by junomedical a few weeks ago.
This led to me sitting down and really contemplating what I want for me, and what I want for ease of acceptance (which I talked about in this post). The guide was useful in that in broke down all possible procedures that are available in a concise bullet pointed list, which a) opened my eyes to procedures I didn’t know existed and b) gave short but effective definitions for things I was aware of but had never looked up the details of the procedure as it wasn’t something that I felt I wanted. If nothing else its a good starting point for anyone who would like more information on either FTM or MTF procedures.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I will probably consider starting HRT at some point in the future; the fat redistribution is something that I would really like (I’ve never liked having a butt or narrow waist), and facial hair would be pretty neat. Actually, just a more masculine face would be great. I’d like to like my voice for once. But it’s not something that I feel is right for me right now.
With regards to top surgery, I’m undecided. I’d like a flat chest, but I’m not sure how I’d feel about the loss of a part of my body. I don’t know that I’d be happier with scars than a slight chest. I think this is largely due to the fact that with regards to my chest I experience gender euphoria much more often than gender dysphoria, so its not at the forefront of my mind unless I wear my binder and see myself, if that makes sense? Bottom surgery is, at the moment, not something I can see myself being interested in. Genitals freak me out and I tend to ignore them as much as possible- which would be quite a lot harder with external anatomy!
If I decide to have surgery, I’m pretty sure I’d save up and go privately- I’d feel bad for using the NHS. The junomedical guide I was sent showed the variation in cost in different countries- I knew that American healthcare was expensive but the bar chart was a shock! I think personally I’d stay in the UK so that I’d be close to home, but for other people looking abroad may be the better option.
Right now to try and separate what I want from what would make my life easier I’m asking myself what would I want to look like if I was stranded on an island and nobody was ever going to see me again. I think I’d like complete androgyny. If I could customise myself like a video game character I’d have a flat chest and a bit of facial hair. A youthful male face. Based on that hormones are at the top of my list of possible steps, followed by top surgery, and bottom surgery being out of the question. But that means I’ll have to come out to the people I know, and I’m really not ready for that.