That Moment When Your Gender Finally Hits You

I’ve been identifying as not-cis for a while now, unsure of where exactly to place myself but knowing that it isn’t at Girl. There’s been this weird kind of disconnect though, where I’ve known it but not known it- if that makes sense. Like I’ve been seeing pictures of more androgynous/masculine people and thinking ‘hey I wanna look like that’ but not really taking myself seriously I guess? I don’t know, I don’t even understand it so its hard to explain but I’ve got to write this out because I have so many feelings right now.

I think the main distinction is that I forget that other people don’t see me as I see myself, and when I realise that difference its always a weird feeling. I just feel like a person. Not a girl, not a boy. A person. Who wants to look like a boy. I think.

This morning seeing my dad only wearing boxers was a kind of zap- like hey I want to look like that. He’s not got a perfect body, and so much body hair (which I don’t really like the idea of but at the same time I do?). Then I had to get dressed and nothing seemed to look right on me, not how I wanted it to.

But the real moment, the real tipping point was when I went on Facebook this evening to send a link to a friend and seeing as I haven’t logged on in a while decided to scroll down and see what my friends had been up to. What I was confronted by was pictures of them and their friends (unsurprisingly) and when I reached a certain one of a guy I knew at school something just clicked. I want that. I feel no connection to the girl pictures at all, even the ones that aren’t dressed up with makeup and such, in fact I feel uncomfortable imagining myself in the same room as them.

And when that something in my brain clicked I just stopped. My heart was racing. My palms were sweating. How should I react? Will this change how I feel about myself?

It feels like I’ve been drawing something through foggy glasses these past few months and now they’ve been wiped clean. Everything fits together. It makes sense. And it’s terrifying.

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