My friend showed me a post on Tumblr once that said something along the lines of being a lesbian makes it hard to tell if you’re looking at a pretty girl thinking ‘life goals’ or ‘wife goals’. I’m having a similar thing recently and it’s throwing me completely off balance- I’m finding it increasingly hard to relate to the female form, I still admire it but not in the way that makes me aspire to look like the people I see. What’s also new is that I’ve started looking at masculine people a lot more, but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is aesthetic attraction or wanting to imitate their image.
I’ve been looking at myself in a more masculine way recently, so there’s this disconnect between how I’m feeling femme but wanting to look masc- how is that supposed to allow me to relate to anything? This binary gender and the stereotypes that engulf western culture is just smothering at the moment; I feel like I kind of fit into both sides, but not really into either. My mind and my body are trying to go in different directions and I’m being torn in half.
So recently I’m in this weird place of not having any idea whether I’m wanting to be friends with the guys I find attractive, or be them. It’s messing up my headspace. What if I just have this twisted idea of wanting to look like them because I’m some kind of imitator of what I admire? What if I’m actually cis but this is that little part of me that wants to be different for attention? What if I just want the privilege of being male?