“Hi, I’m Amber”
I’ve never really got on with my name despite having been told by multiple people that it’s “really pretty” (I had a teacher once who in the first lesson of the year stopped at my name when taking the register and told me that she loved my name. How was I supposed to respond to that?!). I like it as a name but it often feels like its not mine, that I’m borrowing from somebody else.
Changing my name has been something I’ve thought about for a long time. I think I was probably 14 or so when I first remember thinking that having a gender neutral name like Alex would be the coolest thing ever- nobody would know what gender you were until they met you! Alex has been a name that’s stuck around, occasionally fluttering up to the front of my thoughts; more so recently as I’ve been actively questioning myself. It still feels off, but in a different way to Amber which is familiar and comforting even if it chafes. My housemate has taken to calling me Ambrose until I decide on a name, its really nice as it feels natural as a nickname.
A few weeks ago I mentally corrected people to Ash whenever they said my name, but as soon as I even considered that as an actual possibility and wrote it down it stopped fitting and morphed into something completely alien.Whereas I mentally felt that it was right, something about it becoming real threw it off. [I’m not intentionally choosing alternative names that start with A, it just so happens that these are the names I like]
The name I’m playing about with at the moment is Jay- not using it but considering what it would be like if I did. I like it a lot, but I’m worried that the same thing that happened with Ash will happen. Looking at those two written near each other Jay feels more right so maybe it was just that Ash wasn’t a good fit for me. I don’t know if this is normal- when people change their names do they feel uncomfortable with it even if its one they’ve chosen for themselves?
Amber. Alex. Ash. Jay.
Jay feels right.